My Past Life: Grade 12

I love organizing emails into seperate folders and then leaving them to shimmer. The fun of it is when I forget about them and then reremember them a couple years later. I love reading old emails and old conversations from old friends; it's insightful about their character then and now. I find it also helps me figure out who I used to be when I didn't think I knew who I was. 

I was browsing through a folder for my friend Darryl - we had become penpals in highschool from a christian penpal site - and it surprised me how frank I wrote about myself. From reading it, I feel like I was much more articulate then than I am now and I wasn't even aware of it. It's kind of inspiring. I'm not saying it's some intelluctual thing because it's not, but everything I said then is still applicable now. It's funny how insightful your past self can be to your present.

"yeah, i have told my friend about Christ and everything, she goes to my youth and she's a catholic. I don't know though, she's stubborn haha we've  had good talks about God but there's certian things she believes that i can't change her opinion on, she will just have to learn herself. I don't even understand some of her views, it's strange; but i love her anyways. unfortunatly, she has made me immune to certian conversations, i am asshamed to say. it's hard you know, living in a secular enviroment, being a christian, expecially when there isn't a whole lot to encourage you,. sure theres church, and youth and christian friends, but it gets dangerous when it starts to become a routine; like it is for me. It's like i'm in a horrible repititive cycle and i don't care. it's hard to get out of, holy  moly is it ever. I'm still in it, and that's why i'm stoaked for the summer where i go to camp. i'm hoping it will help me grow closer to God. it's not like i have lost my way, but more like my flame. I mean everyone does, and maybe it's because grade 12 is so darn busy that i have "no time" for God,  which is aload of crap in a bucket, but thats what it feels like. I feel like i'm standing still and my life is just passing for me, llike i don't even have a say. And also like we were talking about before, the want for a relationship. i don't deny that i want one, but when i let it get in the way of my relationship with God, then i'm going over the line i shouldn't. doesthis make sense? who knows."  19 Feb 2005